Why does it always rain on me?

So.. it’s Thursday and been to doctors for yet blood test for fibromyalgia. I’m struggling typing this…

Needless to say therefore I’m not at the two week job the two agents from Reeds emailed about, nor am I celebrating getting the £21k pro rata permanent 20 hours per week role within ten minutes walk of the house and staff tai chi lessons on wellness wednesday.

No idea what was wrong with my CV re Reeds, probably lack of car when they offer free car parking is usually a clue public transport wasn’t an option. The money would have been welcome to fund new office clothes and travel to the dead end job at the bank.

I was offered to opportunity of feedback at the interview for the job yesterday, luckily I missed them calling me to give me the bad news in person. Why would I want feedback, I didn’t get the job.
My self esteem is so low at the moment I couldn’t cope with calling, to find out.. what exactly – internal candidate got it, I came close, some other candidate more closely matched their criteria? Maybe I shouldn’t have put depression in the equal ops box, but I would have been the candidate who would most benefit from this job, screw what experience anybody else had.
SO I can kiss goodbye getting seriously into CRM. Another door closed or slammed. Round and round I go, drowning in a pool of past experiences I can’t escape or develop< I'll always be the trainee Archivist who things didn't work out for (ie no ££ for a Masters Degree), or the failed scientist (no one outside of that employer wanted my skills).

What I also didn't say dear listener was that on the way to the interview, I was stopped by the postie to sign for a letter. My ex-husband had got someone to address the envelope for him, to hide his distinctive and illegible handwriting. It was a nasty, poisonous,cowardly letter of blackmail, based on misinformation.
It was a total body blow to someone on the way to a job interview.
So I had that going through my head as I was sat in front of a panel of three yesterday. Nice.

How can I not get out of negative thinking when after six months of trying I didn't get the job I wanted?
I try – I fail, I try again -I fail. Repeat ad nauseum.
SO, clearly their must therefore be something wrong with me.
THe CV of my not perfect life, is getting some response, but when I show up in person….
I dress correctly , mind my P’s and Q’s, I even entertain the panel with my enthusiasm…. but it’s not enough.
I was told after the Archives job, that I wasn’t the best candidate, but I was the most personable….yeah, that put me in my place …to someone who answers the councils FOI enquiries with Cut + Paste answers from the FOI itself and though you needed an FOI request for a burial record..duh!

So last night i was in total turmoil. I didn’t know if to scream, cry or kill myself… Somehow I managed to calm myself down playing a game on my mobile phone.
No real friends to call on, like the ones in the ones in the ads on the TV or you read about in books or magazines…
That spineless, financial parasite of an ex-husband was after his share of my house that the court had given to him, after he decided the grass was greener elsewhere. THe definition of husbandry is to look after – not sadly something he ever did and pissed off when the in sickness or for poorer part of the marriage vows seemed to have been conveniently forgotten. The true monster that I married unfortunately isn’t a pretty sight

Least my fate re job was decided, the you- can- do -better- for -your- self- than -this- job, the job that you NEED, rather than the role that you can can excel in, flourish spiritually and do to the best of your ability because its a passion not a chore.
I just need a start date and keep my head down, in case I find out along the line that I’ve made a horrible mistake by taking the job, but sadly its the only job on the table.


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